Would you pay a single quarter to leave a comment on PCGamer.com? Before you scream "no" at us for the bargain price of free, consider that the readers who sent PC Gamer magazine text messages were built different.

Once upon a time, folks were so eager to mail their letters into the magazine that they'd pay for postage, which cost 30-50 pence per second class stamp in the UK circa 2010. Alternatively, they could send the staff a text at the cost of 25 pence—plus your standard network charge—for the 160 characters allowed in a single SMS message.

The Era of PC Gamer Magazine Text Messages

The idea of paying for every minuscule text message feels as ancient and alien as floppy disks or payphones to today's youth. It is quite charming that, for several years, the magazine ran a column in the letters section devoted specifically to these reader micro-reviews and messages.

Looking back at these PC Gamer magazine text messages reveals a mix of genuine gaming discourse and absolute nonsense. Here are some of the "best" highlights from recent re-reads:

Steam Requests and Lottery Scams

  • Eoghan O’Connell: “I’m one of the 15 million people who are on Steam and I can’t help noticing that there is a large lack of games. My favourite games are Blizzard ones such as World of Warcraft, Starcraft and Diablo 2 and I would love if these games were on Steam.”
    • PCG Response: We think Valve, too, would love to have WoW on Steam. But Blizzard have their 160-character digital distribution and patching system, and they’re not about to let the fact that it sucks persuade them to change.
  • Mrs Saffira Musantu (Lottery Group Coordinator): “Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice result online email lottery. Here are your winning numbers: 52-6-39-15-36-1.”
    • PCG Response: Thanks! We’ll have our 2 million Euros in cash then, please.
  • Mrs Saffira Musantu (Lottery Group Coordinator): “Once again, congratulations from all our staffs on your consolation prize winning. Regards.”
    • PCG Response: Where’s our bloody money, then?

Gaming Tropes and Internet Rants

  • Aaron Whitehead: “They say PC gaming is dead or dying.”
    • PCG Response: They’re not sure?
  • Aaron Whitehead: “Santa if you are there, next year I want you to kill every single member of SecureROM, destroy its headquarters and steal the money from their bank accounts.”
    • PCG Response: Oddly enough, we’ve been wanting to kill Santa ever since he started doing those bloody Coke adverts.
  • Thomas Mayo: “If there’s one thing we can all agree on it would be that 80% of games’ writing is toxic to the human physiology. If I see another hardcore marine with a dark past who, goddammit, just won’t play by the rules, then I’m gonna make someone pay.”
    • PCG Response: What dark thing happened in your past to make you this way?
  • Jane Shepard: “I Am Jane Shepard. I am the Butcher of Torfan... One Thing I am God-Damn not is Cerberus’ Bitch!”
    • PCG Response: This goes on for another 900 terrifying words. Please stay away from us.

Pure Chaos and Randomness

While receiving PC Gamer magazine text messages was often a way to share news, it frequently devolved into pure absurdity:

  • Martster123: “Anyone have 30 spare bottles of Nuka-Cola Quantum?”
    • PCG Response: Anyone?
  • Alex Overton: “Share your photos with Windows Live Photos – Free Try it Now!”
    • PCG Response: Oh yes! A more complex and less popular version of Flickr! Ace.
  • Anonymous: “For this abomination against the laws of thy universe, thy magazine muste pay a toll.”
    • PCG Response: It feels like we already are.
  • Si Ripe: “Worms Armageddon is so wormalicous, I better geddon playing. Yipee!”
    • PCG Response: Wormalicious, adj. As pleasant-tasting as an annelid of the order Haplotaxida, such as the common Earthworm. Archaic.
  • ShaunRattue: “IDEA! SPORE combined with POKEMON!!!”
    • PCG Response: “Penis-chu, I choose you!” Yeah. There’s a flaw in this plan. It’s called ‘The Other People On The Internet’. (Also us.)
  • Julian Adams: A lengthy complaint regarding the Top 100, claiming personal betrayal and threatening to rescind membership in the human race because of a lack of Skyrim coverage.
    • PCG Response: (Left blank by the sheer weight of the vitriol).