We live in complex geopolitical times. I think. I've not been paying attention. But it's recently become known that a little strip of water called the Strait of Hormuz has shut up shop due to a strange crisis—like a wavepool forced offline. This has caused a great deal of consternation, as countless sources of crude oil, natural gas, fertilizers and more flow through this narrow waterway. America has tried to calm matters by creating the problem in the first place and then threatening further bombing when it finally closed. Somehow the crisis remains ongoing, but I am prepared. The good Lord and a Swedish man named Johan have given me the tools to solve this Strait of Hormuz standoff just as they gave me last year's tariff solution.
The Game as a Strait of Hormuz Strategy
The only way to fix this Strait of Hormuz crisis is through strategy, not conventional war. I launched Europa Universalis 5 and engineered a scenario where Ormuz—standing in for modern Iran—faces China instead of the United States. This creates a proxy conflict that mirrors the real‑world tension without drones or nuclear weapons.
- Oil flow halted
- Gas supplies disrupted
- Fertilizer chains broken
A New Crisis in the 14th Century
My first task was to engineer a Strait of Hormuz crisis within the game, but I quickly realized that China and Ormuz were too far apart. The distance made a real blockade impossible, turning our campaign into a paper war with no tangible impact. Despite my best efforts, 342 men arrived in Hormuz only to find their ships sunk and their cause unheeded.
I then re‑chose the United States as an Injuids stand‑in, believing that a nearer rival could block the Strait of Hormuz and force Ormuz’s hand. The result was a bizarre chain reaction: Yuan‑dynasty Peter Mandelson? Actually it's "Simon Cardy". Anyway we just output article content.
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Overview of the Strait of Hormuz Crisis
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I solved the Strait of Hormuz crisis with videogames, simply by creating an even bigger Strait of Hormuz crisis
We live in complex geopolitical times. I think. I’ll be honest, I’ve not been paying attention. But it’s recently become known that a little strip of water called the Strait of Hormuz has—like a wavepool they had to shut down due to a urine crisis—shut up shop. This has caused a great deal of consternation. In news that was presumably impossible to know in advance, loads of everyone's favourite stuff came through that Strait: crude oil, natural gas, fertilizers, and more. America has done its best to calm the situation—first by creating it from whole cloth and then, when the Strait was unforeseeably closed in response, by threatening to do even more bombing, while doing more bombing. Somehow the crisis remains ongoing. But I am prepared. I was born for this. The good Lord and a Swedish man named Johan have given me the tools to solve this problem just as they gave me the tools to solve last year's tariff situation. It's my patriotic duty to strap in, fire up Paradox's Europa Universalis 5, and wargame my way to a solution to this crisis.
This is not easy
A thing not many people notice about Europa Universalis 5 is that it starts in the 14th century, which is not the century we currently inhabit. This meant my first task when I launched the game was to engineer a scenario that roughly approximated the conditions surrounding the closure of the Strait of Hormuz, just without drones, nuclear weapons, the mass use of gunpowder, industrial capitalism, Iran, Israel, oil, or the United States of America. Apart from that, it would be basically the same.
The stage was set: China vs Ormuz in the battle of the (14th) century. I fired up a new game and hopped into the Emperor's embroidered shoes.
Problem one: This is the point at which I make you, the reader, aware that I do not have a great deal of time in Europa Universalis 5. In EU4? I've got hundreds of hours, and it's one of my favourite strategy games ever made, but a lot of EU5's systems are still opaque and unfamiliar to me.
Problem two: China and Ormuz are, like, really far apart.
(This is a Strait of Hormuz reference, highlighting the logistical nightmare.) These two problems merged into a single polycrisis. On day one in power, I fulfilled my campaign promise and declared war on Ormuz. The effect of this was nothing. I'm not even sure the letter arrived. All that changed was that, on the world map, Ormuz was now bordered by an angry shade of red, but the simple fact that our countries were so distant meant it was all a Strait of Hormuz‑themed joke: a paper war, a war in theory rather than practice.
It did also occur to me at this point that, China being so far away from Ormuz, the latter wouldn't really have cause to blockade the Strait of Hormuz. That's its own Strait of Hormuz. It lives there.
The long paddle
These were all secondary issues compared to the vast barrage of domestic notifications that began to crowd the imperial iPhone lock screen. My heir was unmarried. The estates were unhappy. The peasants were dying in droves but still had the capacity to be angry about it. A lot of stuff about the imperial bureaucracy and the Mandate of Heaven that really flew over my head. Where's the food? Who's growing the food? Why is no one growing the food? Humans need the food to live, your majesty. The markets will be upset about this situation concerning the food.
The run was already a wash but I thought I could treat it as a practice session. I dispatched the entire Chinese army—which at this time consisted of 500 men, for reasons I was too distracted to investigate—to the entire Chinese navy, which was five boats. Off I sent them to Ormuz.
After what felt like several actual, real‑life months of travel (it takes a really long time to get around India; why aren't we making a Strait to sort that out?) my men arrived at party central. Or, well, what remained of them did. No food, you see. Several of them died on the trip over.
Why dilly‑dally, I thought? I debarked them right at the enemy's doorstep: Hormuz itself—the province and capital—and set them to sieging. Nothing happened. Despite the immense might of the Chinese military, my 342 remaining men were, it turns out, inadequate to the task of besieging my enemy's capital. In addition, for reasons I still don't really understand, the ships that brought them over all began sinking, seemingly of their own will. Probably a Mandate of Heaven issue. Also at some point Yuan‑dynasty Peter Mandelson got upset and started executing his coworkers.
Take two
Enough monkeying around. I'd learnt my lesson. I needed to pick a USA stand‑in that was nearer the action, less riven by major internal crises, and that would give Ormuz reason to actually, ah, blockade the Strait of Hormuz. You might question the extent to which a country matching this description really functions as a substitute for the 21st‑century USA, but I am not taking questions. At some point Yuan‑dynasty Peter Mandelson got upset and started executing his coworkers—let’s just say it wasn't pretty.
At some point Yuan‑dynasty Peter Mandelson got upset and started executing his coworkers. I settled on Injuids, one of Ormuz's neighbours that actually sits a little further into the Strait of Hormuz.
